note to self: find happiness in the smallest things. ignore that which causes pain.

:D C: schmile more. it might be better for doing homework.

THE COLD WAR HAS ENDED. Arh. It was not meant to be so soon because my cold, cold heart is unforgiving, but i was in too much of a joyous mood today to reject anyone.

Squash today was fun while my time alone with Kaiting lasted. After that it wasnt so fun cuz i couldnt really hit the ball when someone purposely hit so hard -.- Oh and Kaiting kept laughing at me non-stop for some retarded thing that i did. [i seriously have no idea what i was thinking when i did that!!] I couldn't take the extent of retardacy that it turned out to be that i almost mauled her while trying to get her not to tell xiuhui and crisp. [she still told xiuhui in the end but at least the retardacy of it all had worn out quite a bit in my mind.]

Got back last of my papers today. Whitby is disappointed in me and i am disappointed in my bio and that just about sums it all up!

I feel like a monkey now. I had longan, cherries, mangosteen and banana after dinner. Monkey's diet. I could live on just that forever.

My fingers are quite sore from practising piano. I hope i pass my lesson decently tomorrow.

I HAVE TO STUDY. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY. prison break and harper's island have ended so there's no more TV for me to watch so mom said no more TV!! So i have to study study study and maybe one day i'll be able to go to the land of the long white cloud and be happy.

ok time to go.

hello, im here to write about my dream, before i head to dinner.

I was dead sleepy [cuz again i couldnt sleep last night] so i went to sleep when i got home, after drinking ribena. I slept for about 2 and a half hours and had a dream.

I think it was a nightmare rather, but it wasn't THAT nightmarish. I dreamt that there was career fair going on in school and there were exhibits in the field, giant fighter planes and stuff for the SAF and there were people playing with it. Then andy told us we had to go to the range for a meeting and it was already quite late and i wanted to go home, but i went for the meeting anyway with xiu rong. When we got there we waited for dam long for everybody to settle down, then andy told us that the meeting was to tell us to meet on saturday at 1pm! I was so irritated I shouted at andy and starting exclaiming about how stupid this all was, then I went home in a huff. It was dark and the roads looked different so I almost couldnt find my way to the bus stop. Then i remembered I was supposed to draw this sea scenery for Ama. So i drew it and painted it in watercolours with my fingers, and then my dad decided to help so he was drawing a sea plant then he started using the colour pencil to colour it green, but I had already coloured it in watercolour pencils then wet the paper so the paper was soggy and thin and as he tried to colour using the normal colour pencil, the paper started to tear. I begged him to stop and stop but he just continued and he pressed even harder and the whole thing just tore apart and I kept saying I told you to stop!! I told you to stop!!! I already finished it I told you to stop!! I was having a nervous breakdown and i was so agitated i started breathing very fast and very heavily and i woke up like that, breathing very chaotic-ly.

For most of the dream I was just agitated, angry, impatient, annoyed. I wonder if it's runoff from school emotions.

Squall has become humongous, he covers my hand almost entirely. And he's quite heavy and i can feel the wholesomeness of his squishy body as he waddles across my palms. He is still one of the nicest colours of hamsters ever although his head seems to be tiny in comparison with the rest of his body such that he is starting to resemble a bear. All i can see in his sparkly big black eyes is the plea for more fooood. [although there isnt lack of it in his cage]

Stupid blogger was not working yesterday when i had things to rant about so I spent 5 hours venting my frustrations by drawing a picture instead, from around 6 to 11+pm. There are so many imperfections in it i found but i'm too lazy to correct them. [or rather, i don't really know how to as well.] Whatever la. I shall not care about people who are mean and ungrateful.

Anyway i am here primarily to talk about my dream this morning. I dreamt that suddenly, while looking out at the coast from the house I was in, I saw the waves seem to get stronger and stronger, and it started to push an island out of place and make it collapse into mud. This, being big news, was then related to the people who were with me [i don't know who other than my sis], and we were all in shock and fear and jumped into a car to get out of the place. When we were driving out, suddenly there was this HUGE ship right in front of us. Like, literally directly in front, the tip was almost touching the hood of our car and it was humongous and made of faded red planks. It started to move forward a bit so we tried to move as well, but it slipped back and i remember preparing myself for death as we could have been crushed. It was seriously quite frightening. Then we saw other people getting away on motorbikes, and the motorbikes in my dream were not like those you usually see on the streets, but they were slightly translucent, white and very very sleek. There were empty ones lying around so i told my sis to jump onto one and she was like "siao ah" but did it anyway. And then we sped down the road as the waves crashed behind us and finally got to this house. Because everyone was soaking wet, they wanted to get changed, i don't know why it would make a difference. But the waves were coming and i tried to warn them but nobody would listen. The house got swallowed up in the water and when we looked out the windows, there was nothing but water all around. The water was totally clear clear blue and we could see through it for miles. I don't remember how it ended from here...

wa not bad. i reached home in 1hour. such ulu timing the bus all very fast.

I'm almost half dead from starvation. So eating now.
today was an interesting day. It's Chris's birthday. I had to go get present [nobody else seemed to have time to get :/] so went with my sisters to TM to find it. Consulted Fuddy [yay thanks], wa so scared i buy wrongly -.- The people in the shop went to bounce the ball after they pumped it and i think they dirtied it a bit -.- there was like a blackish spot there [maybe no one noticed hah.] Anyway, i went to find Charbi after that cuz we had to add on to the present since its from so many people! Ama and daniel were there and they had bian tai ideasssss. [my idea so nice and appropriate can.] They always seem to like to give people bian tai things lo. Oh and they seem to have something against 77th street, but i don't really know why, haha but they were so strongly disapproving of it that i decided not to mention that i actually like it [hi-5 fuddy]. So in the end we really did get something not very normal. Shall not type it here.

After that we set off for Chris's house AND GOT LOST. walked and walked and walked. AND we got freaked out by an automatic gate. We were walking past when the gate opened suddenly! then charlyn jumped, then i was like WHOA[because i just noticed the moving gate], then she got shocked by me and was like AAAH. And it was a total chain reaction man... Automatic gates are super scary okay.

We made it finally, just in time before Charlyn ---- haha nvm shall not say, she might kill me. And there was NO ONE THERE. the dog was like super fierce and barking at us but she was taken away aww. So Chris's mom opened the gate for us [automatic scary gate] and we just waited for everyone else to come.

The whole party was like some guy's party man, but there was a lot of funny and lame stuff so not bad, at least the guys are funny. but i dunno whats with the size jokes [how come i don't respond to them like i would have if i was still in primary school i.e. KICKASS. must be cuz i grew out of it! anyway its so lame juz laugh]

So for the rest of the time we played random games like charades, naming songs and bands with colours or numbers in them, and guessing song names from their lyrics [GRAH, i didnt guess the linkin park one though i only knew it was linkin park. the atmosphere was not very good for thinking!] The guys stayed on to watch some lame movie while the girls went back after that.

Haha, parties are weird, give me headache. But as long as the right people are there it can be quite entertaining.

note: sigh, should i have to explain myself? i don't think there is much point. those who know what happened know what happened so that's that. I didn't choose him over her. but it worked out to seem like that. okay. the end.

dammit this feeling sucks.

not only do i fear the worst for teacher meeting tmr but i am also in a sad sad dilemma.

dammit.

wa wa wa the party last night was so crazy it took away my sleep. Haha yes. I didnt sleep again last night! The noise was trapped in my head and couldnt get out and my mind kept replaying the events and the noise and the chaos and so it couldnt get to rest. Anyway I survived piano cuz when I get up in this state i'm usually not tired [until now cept that i can't go sleep now cuz i have to go buy lunch soon-ish].

Philosophy is killing all my brain cells slowly. Every word I read, I can feel it reaching out and squishing those little cells of mine. I'm just trying to get research for my IS! But they always talk in such a confusing way that I have to read the same sentence over and over again to understand it. Maybe I'm just slower or stupider in addition to the fact that I have very bad reading skills. I need to train to read faster or I'll never finish Great Expectations. Oh, I wanted to laugh when I saw the context passage for Lit common test cuz I had never seen it before, meaning it must have come from volume 3, which i have yet to have associations with. I really must improve on this point. Things cannot go on this way!

Hooray. I'm home from Charlyn's birthday party! Wow this is like the first real party ive been to and its super high and noisy man. Anyway it was a white themed party so everyone was supposed to wear white! Most of us were making noise cuz we didnt have FULL white but in the end everyone mostly wore half white anyway.

Anyway anyway xr and I went early! To help Charbi arrange food and stuff, and then we hid in the room cuz we didn't know most of the people who were there! [They were RJ people and council people] We also went outside to make friends with the little black kitten. And then we continued hiding until the 04 people came, yayyy. Then we came out and paraded around them happily. We spent most of the time zi highing cuz it was kinda chaotic and well if you don't zi high you will be quite sian.

We waited so long for huiwei and fuddy to come! So we could finally take charbi's present out of the fridge and show her. It was a bouquet of EIGHTEEN WHITE ROSES okayy, and like SUPER NICE [i bought it yay] and i totally felt like we were gonna marry her. We even gave her a white dress, like a wedding dress.

So the 04 bunch watched everyone play group games [hardly knowing what was going on] and then finally, cut cake! Charbi gave this cool speech [wa so brave] and touched all our hearts with her words! Then the other half of 04 bunch left cuz everyone lives so far away except for me [wahahah.] and huiwei, fuddy, xr, joycelyn and I stayed behind to hide in the room and play card games. And then we decided we should leave too cuz huiwei and fuddy also stay far away and xr and joycelyn stay sorta far too so yeaaa.

What tiring things, parties are. Charlyn's parents are super nice to her! I feel quite drained from zi highing. Especially when i was surviving on water the whole time cuz i kept drinking the drinks and then became too full for the food. And I have piano tomorrow which I havent practised for oh no.

I am so sad. I didnt sleep at all last night! You know how horrible it is to just lie there in bed and not be able to fall asleep!? Well i experience it all the time, but never so horrible as yesterday. I didnt fall asleep at all, not for a minute, not for a moment, not even a second. I was awake all the way, listening to the sounds around me, my sis on the phone, my other sis coming home, my bro mentioning moving the mouse cage outside, Morse had died. My sis sobbing.

I lay there with my eyes closed hoping that just for a while, maybe for an hour or so, i would fall asleep. But nothing happened. And soon it was 530 and time to get up.

On Sunday night i went to sleep at 1030pm because i was soo tired from not being able to sleep the day before. Of course i lay there till 12+ and longer before i finally did sleep for a while, and then woke up at 830 automatically. I didnt get up cuz i was still so tired so i continued sleeping and had a dream about becoming a robot and ended up waking at 11 instead.

On saturday night i went to sleep at 1+ and was awake until 430, where i checked the clock and sighed to myself with deep disappointment. I had to wake up at 830 to go get xr's present. I think I fell asleep soon after checking the clock because i think i dreamt of something. Anyway when i woke up I wasnt really tired somehow.

The day before the first day of CTs, I didnt sleep as well, just lay there with my mind wide awake but my eyes half asleep and when I woke up I was barely tired. That night I didn't really sleep again and almost fell asleep during my bio paper the next day. I was reading the questions so slowly cuz my mind was half asleep. I just wanted it to end so i could sleep... for a while...

Just before school reopened i started losing my ability to sleep and one day after not sleeping at night, i stayed up all the way until 2+ on purpose so that i would sleep that night. I did manage to fall asleep for that day. But it made me exceedingly tired to stay up so i didnt continue trying to stay up just to fall asleep.

I don't know whats wrong with me, I must let you know, I don't take afternoon naps! And I don't have a strangely reversed sleeping clock or something like that. I'm forcing myself to stay awake now and not nap so that hopefully tonight I will sleep. It's so tiring. I cant concentrate on any work. I'm just brain dead.

At least I'm sure I don't have the terrible Fatal Familial Insomnia disease. It's horrible. It starts affecting its victims at the later stages of life and the person just slowly becomes unable to sleep. The exhaustion then makes them unable to speak, unable to walk, unable to eat. Everything just fades away. They become delirious in their half-awake state, nothing makes sense anymore. After 3 long months of suffering from exhaustion, they finally die of fatigue. It's a hereditary disease and its autosomal dominant so offspring have a 50% chance of inheriting it. Worse, there's no cure.

I just hope tonight I'll sleep, at least, for tonight. I need some strength back. Need to do my KI IS stuff but my brain battery now is so flat. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day, i hope.

my sister thinks we mine gold for a living. She's hardly even making one and yet she keeps talking about going to places like Florence to study. It's Euros mind you!! And then my oldest sis happily swings along saying we can all be penniless and then you[meaning me] and cor[meaning my brother] can support the family.

Irresponsible toots who only think for themselves!!

Such lofty dreams that can only be achieved at the expense of others'! I have long given up on my hopes to doing what i want. Not like that will make me happy knowing I will be making a such a selfish choice.

Everyone says we should reach for our dreams and not give up on them and stuff. But not like you can just do what you want without giving a hoot about the people you should be responsible for.

I won't chase my dreams blindly.

Yay! Today was a nice day out with Huiwei first then Xiu Rong!

Met huiwei in the morning to get presents for xiu rong! We didn't tell xiu rong so it would be a surprise! [how apt since we gave her "supplies!"] Anyway we went to place that we shall not reveal and bought her like THREE SETS OF CLOTHING. Walked sooo long to find the right stuff. We searched for round 2 and a half hours and then went to have luncheon at fareast [where we were gonna meet xiu rong to get ANOTHER present for ANOTHER person] We had shrooms meal cuz it was the cheapest we could find especially after all the present buying, we had to have a budget lunch.

Anyway so we met xiu rong and sang her a birthday song with her "cake"! And she made a wish and blew out her "candles"! Yayy. Then we gave her her present and it was all very nice and exciting.

So after that we set out to buy present for person no.2~ Managed to find something nice too! And then it rainedd as we went home.

cool. CTs are over. And i'm cleaning my table. I found something interesting, its my diary with my transition state from primary school to secondary 1. And it's quite angsty. heh. Oh theres something lame in it, about orientation:

"Today we were supposed to say our names and tell the class what we did that we thought was uncommon. I knew i was going to say this: "I'm desiree and i like to imagine create and draw all kinds of weird things." I was going to say that, but i was scared, nothing came out. I only managed the first two words... I feel like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon"

Even now I doubt I would have been able to make an introduction like that anyway. And i feel so stupid now, i haven't read a book for a long time.

Lol, heres another:
"It's always normal to fight. We do it all the time. We don't usually make friends, we make peace." [my view on guys]

and:
"What shall i do about Public speaking? Prepare a wonderful speech and be too afraid to read it. No! I will... I will read it. but I'm quiet. I cant become noisy."

Omg. My diary is hilarious:
"I saw [i think i shall protect his identity] at the bus stop. Or rather, girlgirl. He did something sick. I dunno if he was doing to me or what but he unbuttoned 1st button. Normal. Then he opened his shirt like holding the buttoning sides and pulling them outwards. The he looked so sick. Anyway he looked at me while doing that. Not fun. Anyway he looked more like a girl than ever when he did that. I cant explain how sick i felt after seeing that. Goodness. He gave a really guy look. That's what's so sick. He shouldnt do that with a girl face..."

Reading my diary, i can see that i'm definitely not the me i was then, now. I've become noisy. Dam. When did that even start?
My diaries are the ultimate emo shyt. Keep talking about going to kill myself and so on.
But now, well i guess my parents changed, the people around me changed.
It became okay to live.

I also found out that my grandfather died on the exact same day i was born. Maybe that's why my life is so cursed.

I'm glad i kept a diary cuz now i have a 6 year old dead fir tree leaf from christmas.

Oh and i can see that i really hated guys like to the ultimate unbeatable extent. Always say "yucks" when so and so says so and so like you so and so on. I think i was ready to become a nun then.

There's also this line that says:
"i gave a bashing to [pri sch guy] for telling [pri sch guy] my phone number."

Ever since i came to NJ i stopped hitting people[maybe a bit in IP1]. I guess it's a good thing but sometimes they really deserve some pain! And i also started talking only in NJ. NJ made me change a lot.

Anyway i shall end off on a more positive line that i wrote, being quite an animal fanatic.
"I hope this book will make people not harm foxes and forgive the foxes for stealing the turkey. Afterall, it's their lifestyle"