despair desperation desolation

i think I only have to write in the most disturbed of emotions, the most troubled of situations. it's much like reflecting to myself or relieving some sort of painful repressed thought that keeps recurring in my mind unless I express it somewhere in words. also it helps if I continue to write so I will not lose touch of the language since my speaking is already much handicapped by the lack of the need for it at all.

this morning's dreams were clearly a reflection of my guilt and fear of being found out somehow. but I should have known that I could never escape from my own mind if I keep on pondering the same question every day instead of just letting go.

I hope I will survive this somehow and my insides will not rot away as i keep on repressing the anxiety and fear.

I think it's clear the fairytale is over since the nightmares have begun. or maybe I'm just thinking too much. how obvious does it have to be? the messages my mind is putting across to me.

the pit of tea

I'm trying not to wallow in too much self-pity, but how can I not? seeing my demoralizing CA score, I cannot help but feel perplexed, pained, pressured... what exactly am I doing wrong? although I studied harder than before, I also fell harder than before..
I'm trying to study and keep my mind off my perpetual failure.. but Im not so successful this time. it's perpetual, and haunting me.

I have one last chance but already I feel beaten. if I try and fail again my confidence will crumble like a cookie in a garlic crusher. but if I don't try even more sour my insides will be. twisting and turning like in my sleep.

how can I keep up my smiling face when all I do seems to be in vain?

dream

I thought
my heart had stopped
I took a breath
felt myself drop
into an abyss
dark and deep
and then
I woke up from my sleep.

all I hear is screaming
maybe I'm just dreaming
somehow it just scares me
leaving me so empty
i can never just ignore
when I hear the sickening yells
shut my eyes and shut my ears
I feel like I'm in hell.

scold scold scold

person you're scolding is not even in the room.

stop!!!

youre just scarring people whom this doesn't even concern...

thanks for the upbringing.

I want a new nose

I hate my nose! i sound like most girls nowadays, hatin their nose eh. but i have a dam good reason to hate my nose. i dont really care for its shape, as long as the dam thing can function!! but it doesn't!! and it hates me too. that's why it keeps running and running and running all day. tryina run away from me. you think I wanna keep you around, huh nose? no way! I don't want a nose like you! you aren't a nose! you're just a leaky tap that needs some serious fixin!!

I need to fix my nose!!!

sutoresu

so tired from travelling to and from school everyday. having a spoilt running nose. having a infection crap on my arm. having 3 reports to work on at once. having a japanese student seminar I just knew about. having insomnia. having strange dreams. having tons of revision and so much I don't understand. work work work.

now i have to face a shyt groupmate who is TOTAL shyt. his own writing hao bu dao na li qu yet keep commenting on my part dam vaguely. and when I ask him to point out directly, he goes offline. shyt or what? SHYT LA. thank goodness there's only one groupwork this time for this module. otherwise I will really have to take anger management or go to the dungeons cuz a certain someone will soon see no further light of day.

totally confirms my stereotype of guys discussed in class today.

arrogant moron.

one day you thought you've overcome
all loneliness you've found the one
so long your heart's been locked away
in hope you'll find someone someday
no stranger, not someone just met
but someone you couldn't forget
someone who always had a place
a face that turned from you in haste
that left you once to leave behind
a broken heart, a fragile mind
then left you twice, out and aside
although your words were joy, you cried
within, the tearing helplessness
left you deserted, empty, cursed
you see, you may have thought of  else
but history does repeat itself

swords.

exhaustion drains emotion
 words all laced with poison
 devoid of all repentance
 I'm meaning every sentence

 just want my words to pierce
 so deep there's no return
 regret nowhere in reach
on fire my heart will burn

so drained I only spared
one moment of collapse
but then the sorrow ceased
the tears had no increase

I either stab myself with knives
or stab your heart with heartless words
a million verbal bleeding swords
either way I feel no more.

Sundays.

I wrote a poem again, after a long time of nothingness. It is a horror kind of theme because i have been reading a horror book. Horror is my favourite genre anyway. But don't worry it isnt really that horrific. The poem i mean. I wish I could stop feeling guilty for every tiny second i don't spend studying. Because i really want to do something more than that... but each moment, every new word that forms upon this page, a hundred hands pull on my brain saying abstain abstain from the evils of game. Game referring to doing anything other than studying of course, not specifically game, kind of games. Alright enough of this endless chitter chatter, lets get straight into the foremost matter.

Sunday, Sundays, never seemed 
sad, but always evergreen 
A day of joy, when friends would meet 
A day to tread the nearby beach… 

The rays of the morning sun 
Captured on her fragile skin 
Reaching to her broken heart 
They seemed to seep so deep within 

The rolling waves 
Whispered a dream 
Live not a life 
Outside one’s means

Unveiling her eyes 
Upon the world 
She stepped forth 
Embraced the cold 
The waters lapped and licked her feet,
Her knees, her hands and soon her cheeks 

The ground began to melt away 
Into the deep, she swaggered, she swayed...

i wonder if it's the lack of reading that makes me unspired to write anything at all, even a diary entry seems difficult because the mood just isn't there. I think I rely too much on stories to create my mood and get inspired. but I really dislike reading. it's just not something I feel like doing any time at all. I want to, so that I can learn more things, but I don't feel like it, cuz I don't like it at all. I want it to be in a movie, or when I look at a page all the words enter my brain automatically and I know the story. I read too slowly, too distractedly that half the time I already forget what the top was talking about when I'm at the bottom. of the page.

and there are no more new Michael critchton books to motivate me. thus I shall start by plucking books off my sister's bed. she sleeps with books, I sleep with stuffed toys. yup. just like how an older and younger sister is imagined to be. at least in my own world.

my. I managed to get some thoughts out. maybe I could sleep tonight.

I also would like to test the theory that walking slower may make my shoes last longer. but I don't want any of my shoes to spoil cuz currently they are all my ideal, dream shoes! no more impulse half-liked comfort stuff that I buy on lonely feet days. all of those are history and only my loyal followers remain. yup. they gotta follow me wherever cuz well, I'm wearin them.

yay C:
I'm done here entertaining my brain.

piercing sounds

why are new piercings so madly difficult to remove. I've wiggle wiggle wiggled it but it's still stuck like the sword in the stone -.-

at least it does go well with it's neighbours C:

that's all you'll say?

becuz you're too busy playing your games...

whoa the google logo today is so cool. you can make it spin!

EUROPE 2011 (DAY 1-3)

Well, because i had suddenly fallen into a deep pit of no return in the Realm of Great Bordem, I decided that one thing to cure my sad demise would be to finally write about my Eurotrip. And i am lazy to write about the stopover in KL since it's fairly insignificant anyway, i shall start right away from the time on the plane to Paris-Orly.

I kept a very detailed travelog throughout the whole trip, writing at almost every little pause in activity and it serves as an excellent guide as i tend to forget the chronology of things as time flies by.

So first we popped onto AirAsia for the 14 hour plane ride from KL-Paris Orly. And there were 2 meals provided, thankfully, because each time they came i was close to starvation. The meals were good though, i am glad for that.

The first meal was a chicken cordon bleu, and as pathetic as it looks, the chicken was mighty fine. Fat stuffed with ham and dripping with hot melted cheese, a wholesome delight for the starving passenger. The vegetables though, are not worth typing space.

This was the second meal, Chicken Bonne Femme. No i dunno what it's supposed to mean. But this chicken too did its earthly duties well for it was tender and tasty and drizzled in the most underestimated sickly looking gravy filled with a surprise of flavour one would not expect. The fat giant hashbrown thing at the side was unidentifyable though and i couldnt finish it for its saltiness was worse than eating a block of frozen seawater.

Green pastures await.

Dense little towns beckon.

It was very unfortunate that the trip did not start out as wonderfully as a Eurotrip should, as we touched down with broken baggages and torn cases. The lock combination on my sister's luggage had miraculously reset and changed itself thus had to be hacked open and disposed of. Her bf's baggage was worst off, it descended from the plane with the lock totally misplaced.

Muji, my holiday companion, is also feeling gloomy for us.

Despite the rocky start, cows always make one feel better.

The sudden cold was getting to me.

Now this is where i was still able to smile.

I HATE YOU GRAVEL FLOOR.

We started off the journey according to my sister's plan, to visit the palace of Versailles first before checking in our luggage at the hotel so as not to waste morning time. I would think it as a grave mistake and the worst decision ever.

Getting there was the first disaster. The trains were confusing and there was a TERRIBLE LACK OF LIFTS. Everywhere only more staircases awaited us and going the wrong way meant going all the way back up the stairs when one had already spent much effort trying to get down. And yes that's what happened. Much wrong-way-going involved.

In addition, the path to Versailles was filled with nothing but more and more gravel and our poor torn apart luggage had to be dragged and bumped and prodded against these terrifying squares of stone cold evil to reach the luggage store and the queue was treacherously long and the sunlight was blinding. It was an unforgiving place.

But once inside there were many things to look about in awe at. We first stepped into the Royal Gardens [which were floored with yet again, SAND AND STONE poking at our feet relentlessly.] It was quite a sight. It was HUGE. We walked and walked and admired things and we also stopped for a Panini lunch. Of which i do not have a picture sadly. I had box Pasta, which i would soon learn, tasted like all other pasta across the country. The panini, i felt, was very tasty and good for a thin piece of meat between two scared, white looking loaves. It was simple, but had much flavour.

It's not that easy to get past these golden gates.

We saw models having a photoshoot too. They braved the cold in these see-through outfits.

They only switch on the waterflow on that particular day of the week which we visited the palace. Without the water it's just almost dead.

Beautiful Blossoms in the garden.

inside the palace itself, almost every single ceiling was intricately painted with the most wondrous strokes of art with juicy fat horses and peachy pink angels. But when you get to about the tenth room, your legs kinda do the thinking. And all you think is. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

The best part is, once you get into the final room, you think its the end, and then GOOD NEWS. TO EXIT, YOU HAVE TO GO RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

I was in no mood to inspect the battle paintings. My legs were pasta strands.

The only guy i recognised.

After leaving the Versailles, it was FINALLY time to go back to the hotel. And mind you, the hotel wasn't quite just a bus stop away. After much trudging and tugging at the luggages, we made it, only to find that HOTEL DE ROUEN HAD NO LIFT. GAWSH ALL MIGHTY. AFTER ALL THAT TRAMPING?? Yes. 5 flights of thin winding stairs await our tired hands and feet.

But up we went nonetheless.

The room boasts a classic parisian view.

The best part of the day? DINNER. And this is just the appetizer. Salmon salad thing.

The apple on this was WAAYY too sweet though, i dumped the slices in my tea and it tasted way better. Didnt need to sugar my tea after that even.

DAY2

I was excited about the Eiffel tower. It was the image i had of it, the Tower of Romance in the City of Love. Where couples go and look at the minute city beneath them and feel on top of the world with the one they love.

I was so wrong.

First of all, as we were waiting in the snaking queue for the tower to open, this unscrupulous bunch of tour groups started Prodding their way STRAIGHT into the MIDDLE OF THE QUEUE with no respect for the others whatsoever! They just planted their fat asses there without a care in the world! I tell you, people were screeching at them, yelling, and some even went to confront them, but they wouldnt give a cow's breath. After being in that queue for an hour, bright an early just to be near the front, seeing something like that really made your blood boil. Those little insects, i couldve squashed them had i not been tired from the previous day's workouts...

Still excited. Had not seen the queue yet.

I took videos of taking the lift up the tower. It was a scary affair. The lift just went up and up and up and i thought there was no stopping. And every then and now there was a tiny clinking sound which served to frighten you into uncertainty. But we did eventually reach the top, to be met with this sight. It looks quite wondrous here, but if you were actually there squeezing between the hundreds of other tourists, trying to find an ideal photo-taking spot, you might not like it so much, like me.

There was a wall of graffiti atop the tower, so we left our mark there.

After the Eiffel, we went to the Catacombs. Of which i have little pictures because it was pretty much a no flash place and practically total darkness most of the way. Which meant no good pictures anyhow. The place was just a huge graveyard of hundreds and hundreds of skeletons built into the walls. And just like Versailles, after about the first 50 meters, you just wanna get out cuz your feet are tired, and you miss sunlight. No kidding.

Still happy.

We stopped by a random place for dinner. I forgot to take a picture of the restaurant. This plate of pasta was a huge as a large pizza. And pretty bland. I had to add a lot of pepper and salt to it. And down it with apricot juice, which was disappointingly, from a bottle.

The first bakery we saw! It was about 6pm i think, already. But the sky was still bright as day.

Lovely, lovely little tartlets to end the second day.

DAY 3

Today was louvre day, and i was frankly, quite excited as well. Cuz the louvre being the louvre, having seen it so many times in Geo Challenge, i was just thrilled to see it in real life! But a warning. If you're not an art enthusiast, just take a picture with the big triangle and be on your way.

We decided to try French Macs. A big mistake. There was NOBODY inside, except a homeless man sleeping at the table next to us. And the breakfast menu was pathetic. The pancake was the size of my palm, and the orange juice was as tall as my finger. The ROYAL BACON burger that my sis ordered had but a sliver of bacon so thin and crumpled, it was as if it was sad and sat crying in the corner of the bun. But we do look happy nonetheless. Looks can be so deceiving...

It was CRAZY windy outside the louvre, thus freezing cold.

We only visited one portion of the exhibits cuz the whole place was so frighteningly huge. We chose the egyptian exhibits. This is a mural of morphing blobs. I don't know the significance.

So yes, once again, all seems fine and good until you realise it took us almost 2 hours to walk through just one exhibit, and the exit, was as usual, right at the beginning -.- Thank goodness we were there early cuz on the way out there were countless little school children and more tourists flooding the place. We had lunch at Paul's, a cafe in the louvre. I had a panini set for 9.90 euros [a drink, a sandwich, a dessert] that turned out to be chicken WASABI. WTH. tasted quite shytty. But i didnt wanna waste my money and the flavour grew on me and i ate it throughout the day at various starving points. The apple tart dessert was good though. Yes i keep eating apple tart desserts.

After louvre was National History Museum. Now this place was REALLY something. THIS is the kind of thing that would really make me return to paris. I shall let the pictures do most of the talking from now.

These teeny tiny skeletons are just adorable.

Can you imagine how awe-struck i was at the sight of these magnificent whale skeletons stretching across the room in all their glory? They were HUGE and SO FRIGGIN AWESOME.

And then the other part of the exhibits included a zoo. This place was like a whole bunch of museums grouped together but it was WAY huge so we didnt have time to visit the others like the evolutionary one which i was pretty enthusiastic about. oh well, next time i guess.








AND TRALALA. THATS EUROPE DAY 1-3.