I am a worthless and unwanted human being wasting the earth's resources. yes. that is what I am.

6 dec 2010 thoughts. see what I mean

Munching many mini munchies meticulously made meanwhile merrily making music

26 Apr 2011 thoughts. sometimes I can be really gay

like a cotton ball gently
rolling down a waterfall
little fluffy hamster
won't you come
when you're called?

strawberries at your service
fruit jellies made of berries
biscuits, peanuts, corn
I promise that's not all

little fluffy hamster
won't you come
when you're called?

2nd June 2011 thoughts. after returning from Europe

we spent some days enjoying the sights
in the City of love,
the City of lights,
bathing in bright nights,
embracing the culture,
observing all the different kinds of classic architecture.
then off to the Netherlands we went,
spent a few nights sleeping in a tent,
there was nothing better
than just slowing down
breathing the cold air
listening to the sounds
of the grass and the insects
just living day to day
while we hurry with our lives
forgetting how to play
sometimes we need a break
from all the work and stress
cuz it's with a clear and healthy mind that we remember best

17th July 2011 thoughts. I really don't know.

love your pet, don't make him sad
don't treat him bad or he'll be mad. be it a dog, a cat, a rat just treat it good n it'll be glad.

7 aug 2011 thoughts. the long poem I lost when my old phone died. and this is all I remember from it.

One day I was a-walking
In my garden half asleep
When I saw the strangest little man
I never thought I'd meet

Out the corner of my eye
I caught a flickering blade of grass
I knew that something lurked there
Something very small and fast

With steps so light they kissed the ground
With neither audible mark nor sound

I chased the man this way and that
Led by the glimpse of a golden hat

Then by some unexpected luck and fortune there could be
The little man ran and hid beneath my Orange tree

I didn't mean to scare him,
I just wanted to be friends
This I made clear to him and
Held out both my hands

And now I will proceed
To give a better view
Of mr please don't say my name
As seen by very few

There've been too many stories
Of funny little men

I'll describe myself promptly
And break out from this trend

He wore a hat of golden hair
which sat upon a head
Which bore a pair of eager eyes
From which life would not fade

[missing lines]
But what he really loved to taste,
Were the rays of light

one day by the window
I saw a little note
Bathing in the sunlight
Washed in a golden coat

"I've tasted whats above the earth
And what's beneath the matter
But there's still much I've yet to see
Between the fore and latter

I've met a lot of people and
Of all the ones I knew
You were the kindest one to me
to me your heart was true
I've still got much that's left to see
And you my benefactor
I won't forget to thank you
In silent reverie"

27 sept 2011 thoughts. seriously?

hammie little ball of fluff
I'm so glad I've earned your trust
love to hold you in my palm
you don't wrestle, you're so calm
hammie how I love to feel
your tiny feet that scuttle till
you reach an edge but you won't fall
theres nothing to feared at all
cuz I'll be ready there to catch
a falling hammie ball

3rd oct 2011 thoughts. you

broken cogs and mind on fire
can't restrain my own desire
this world I've yet to uncover
throwing puzzles, rile my fever
distress on my heart, my mind
these tangled thoughts will I unwind?
I still don't understand the word
the meaning of this fragile code
no notes will say no book could tell
the truth does hide itself so well
what few guesses could I surmise?
I'll be the cause of my own demise..

dream on 2nd nov 2011

dreamt I bought a ticket to malacca, but changed to Penang cuz I forgot where was the location of the trip. on the boat ride some girls recognized me from running. one of the girls fell off the boat while swinging on it. the boat ride was mad scary. I made friends with a girl who was the boss of a textile shop. she was going to interview someone later. I saw the roman palace. and then the safe box. there were ppl dressed for halloween in the streets like some ninja hopping around. we entered the safebox which apparently was a building with a collection of school sets like displaying schools.

16 nov 2011 thoughts. I believe I was trying to do a collage of my dreams. unfinished.

I thought
my heart had stopped
I took a breath
felt myself drop
into an abyss
dark and deep
and then
I woke up from my sleep.

my head is hurting
hurting, hurting
and I'm stirring
there's a hand
reaching to drag me out
I'm drowning in a gushing river
stirring, stirring
then I wake
and see there's nothing.

glass is falling
in the building
touch my arm
I see it's bleeding

but I'm running
and a gun is pointed
right at me
it's fired

I'm so tired
i can't sleep

because these dreams are haunting me.

13 nov 2011 thoughts

I keep having
strange thoughts in my head
every time I get up from bed,
awake but still plagued by the dreams I made
in my mind, what you said
still alive
in my head.
but alive is better off than being
dead.

23 nov 2011 thoughts. I believe after getting CA results

for me frustration is best expressed in poetry. rhyme. rap. whatever.

the pity-fool me
trying not to wallow in self-pity
a truly trying challenge for me
taking all the pains
to study, but in vain,
results don't reflect
what my brain's meant to be.
the future seems bleak
I really can't see
what exactly are the skills
that i have of use to me?
I only have imagination
rhyming,
all my mind's creations
still the insignificance
is hardly even diffident
so obvious, blatant, plain, profuse
what of skills that have no use?
it's sad but it's reality
the last place that I want to be
my dreams are the kind that are really just dreams,
you awake- they fade,
forgotten, unseen.

a dream I had

I dreamt we went on a one day trip to somewhere, don't know the name of the place. but it was a desert. and the landscape was wonderfully desertlike yet still splashed with greenery and wildlife of the desert kind. somehow it begin with the story tellin of how the land was initially inhabited by 8 large animals. among them, elephant, giraffe, forgot the rest. then humans slowly came and hunted them and they diversified and it gave rise to more and more different animals. when the story ended it was up to us to roam around. I took my camera and went about snapping pictures of giant beetles, hairy plants and feathers the colour of zebras. we were only there for a day so it was sad when the time came to return.
in my dream I dropped my camera but managed to put it back together. and then there was another person there eating and while he ate he kept staring n talking to me. I guess this stemmed from the two weirdos downstairs my block that kept staring as I walked past.

bcuz I need to empty my phone of random notes I

desirabbit on the loose
I wish we could come to a truce
but I could see right through it's eyes
this rabbit wasn't very wise
and only knew of plain mischief
creeping about like a thief
as if I could not match his tracks
so unprepared was he when I
pounced on him, his paws in mine
no longer would this rabbit run
him that only knew of fun
no longer could this rabbit play
my hunger sees no more delay
no longer would this rabbit hop
for in my jaws I have his lop
and in my belly soon will sit
freshly yielded rabbit meat.

I guess as usual I put too much on the line. putting everything into it but it's really more than I can bear. I know it's better just not to care.

but tears are falling thinking about what ive done. nothing's solved and there's only paper to cry on.

if

a tree falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

if no one is there to see the tears, is there still sorrow?

yea. there sure is.

just don't want to feel like this over nothing, when there isn't anything the matter but just something my mind made up cuz everything is always complexified by minds, like mine, that think about things in a manner skewed towards self destruction and there isn't anywhere I can run cuz I can't escape from my own mind...

The New Year

The first day of the new year for me was spent just chillin at home watching my favourite depressing but fascinating show, Criminal Minds.

The second day of the new year is being spent doing the same thing but also now reminiscing the past year, looking through pictures and trying to think what I was feeling at those moments. My phone has been abandoned far away so i don't get distracted by constantly checking it since i think i'm waiting in vain. I'm listening to The Riddle by Five for Fighting and it seems so apt for this moment, or time of the year. The year is having a new beginning but I think i already had one a few weeks back.

So i'm looking at my holiday pictures and i feel like the pictures make it seem as if i enjoyed myself a lot more than i actually did there in person. It's true. I feel so fulfilled looking at those pictures and I overlay them with a perceived feeling of joy, which is not so much the truth. Because i still remember that when i was there I wasn't so joyful everyday. But i guess it's better to feel as if everything had been fine and dandy because afterall it's already passed and there's really no use mulling over how bad it really was when my mind is already overwriting it with happy memories.

I think i've already begun changing before the new year itself and it definitely has made life easier to live and made a lot of things more acceptable to my narrow, inflexible and restricted mind. I've given way to my more liberal self and just let myself fall into whatever madness springs up from whatever road i've stumbled upon. And it's just been better this way. And i wish i realised it earlier but still, better late than never.

And now I just want to keep writing because the feeling of typing is enjoyable, the softness of my keyboard protector as i pitter patter on just makes me want to keep going. Even if there is no audience i always feel as if i'm releasing some part of myself for the sake of myself and that's good enough. Writing everything on paper is good too but my hand gets ever so tired ever so quickly that i never really get to write everything i want to before i'm forced to stop by the aching. And everything feels so much more automatic when i'm typing. Someway, somehow.

I guess my only hope for the year ahead is that there will be no heartbreaks and all will be well.

despair desperation desolation

i think I only have to write in the most disturbed of emotions, the most troubled of situations. it's much like reflecting to myself or relieving some sort of painful repressed thought that keeps recurring in my mind unless I express it somewhere in words. also it helps if I continue to write so I will not lose touch of the language since my speaking is already much handicapped by the lack of the need for it at all.

this morning's dreams were clearly a reflection of my guilt and fear of being found out somehow. but I should have known that I could never escape from my own mind if I keep on pondering the same question every day instead of just letting go.

I hope I will survive this somehow and my insides will not rot away as i keep on repressing the anxiety and fear.

I think it's clear the fairytale is over since the nightmares have begun. or maybe I'm just thinking too much. how obvious does it have to be? the messages my mind is putting across to me.

the pit of tea

I'm trying not to wallow in too much self-pity, but how can I not? seeing my demoralizing CA score, I cannot help but feel perplexed, pained, pressured... what exactly am I doing wrong? although I studied harder than before, I also fell harder than before..
I'm trying to study and keep my mind off my perpetual failure.. but Im not so successful this time. it's perpetual, and haunting me.

I have one last chance but already I feel beaten. if I try and fail again my confidence will crumble like a cookie in a garlic crusher. but if I don't try even more sour my insides will be. twisting and turning like in my sleep.

how can I keep up my smiling face when all I do seems to be in vain?